WAS KOMMT, KOMMT.
Writing out my feelings (mostly anxiety).
Tomorrow is my B2 German test. I am taking the SDS (Swiss Digital Language Test), which is only recognized in Switzerland. It's an adaptive test, meaning, if you answer the question correctly, the following question is a little harder; if you answer it incorrectly, it gets easier.
Sounds good, but that means I could have receive different levels for different parts of the test. For example, I could score x on writing, y on reading comprehension, y on listening, and x on speaking.* I'm aiming for the B2 certificate, so ideally, it would be B2 across the board.
*I was going to write out an example with the levels, but I didn't want to jinx it. That's how anxious I am.
I've been studying for about 2 hours every weekday for the last 3 weeks. I amped it up this week since it's the final push, and so far, it's been the most challenging. The challenging part isn't because the material is getting more difficult, it's that I've grown tired and frustrated, so my motivation has gone down. I studied nonstop for 6 hours on Monday and went back to 2 hours on Tuesday. It's been fluctuating, and I noticed that the more I study continuously, the worse my mood becomes. I also become less confident.
I called my sister earlier today to fill her in, and she said I was spiralling into negative self-talk.
"You keep mentioning that you don't know so many things, but you know a lot!" she said.
I told her how I took the TELC B1 test last year, didn't study at all, and passed. (I barely passed, but I still.) My mentality that year was, I've been having 1 hour tutoring sessions 1 day per week, so if I don't pass, it's not my fault—there wasn't enough time to learn everything!
Despite the way I looked and behaved growing up, I wasn't a nerd. I never really studied for tests. It wasn't that I was gifted or talented. Quite the opposite. I made sure I was put in the easier classes so I could ace them.† I never even studied for The SAT (i.e. standardized college admission test) because I was going to art school so who cares. The only thing I "studied" for was the first chapter of the practice book—tips on how to take the test.
† This feels like a story for another time. But, spoiler alert: I struggled a lot in college because of this.
I can't remember my score, but it was above 1050, which is between average-above average. "Not bad, for someone who didn't study," I thought, "But also, it doesn't matter."
I definitely have some sort of inferiority complex and fear of failure.
My mentality going into this one is the complete opposite. Maybe it's because I took an intensive course for 6 months, so if I failed, then it would be a direct reflection on my intelligence.‡ And because I actually studied this time, it would also feel like a personal failure.
‡ I objectively know this isn't true but I struggle to apply that to my feelings.
I know my mentality going into this is completely wrong. But I can't help but spiral down that path.
Yesterday, I went to my colleague's place to practice the speaking bit. We did this two weeks ago, when she was about to take the test.
"Did you completely forget everything you told me last time?" she asked. "I was so nervous, but you calmed me down! Everything you told me last time, I give it back to you."
It's always easier for me to hype someone else up, but I can't do that for myself.
Today, I wanted to change things up a bit in hopes that it would help my mood—to focus on relaxation as much as studying. So I started this morning by watching one of my favorite shows, and took my time getting ready.
But once I started studying, my mind was at it again, silently berating myself for not understanding. I was snappy with Daniel. I don't like myself when I do that.
We went out in the evening to run some errands. That was nice, getting my mind off things. On our way home, I suggest I practice some speaking prompts with him. I stumbled over my words and mispronounced things. Daniel had to correct me quite a bit.
"If you can't even get it right with Daniel, how do you expect to do this in front of the expert tomorrow?" I thought.
That's when I called my sister. She calmed me down a bit, but suggest I practice a few of the key phrases. Which was what I was supposed to do now, but I decided to write a blog post instead, because I thought it would calm my nerves.
It hasn't. But what I really want to get into my head is, it doesn't matter what happens. Like my colleague said:
"If you pass the test, I would say, 'Great job!' If you didn't, I would say, 'That's ok, let's practice together again.'"
The main difference between my mentalities from this test and the tests of the past is that I really care about passing. So maybe the secret for me is to not care. Whatever happens, happens.
Was kommt, kommt.
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