PUSHING THROUGH THE DOLDRUMS

06 May, 2026

Just a journal entry.

Monday was quite difficult. My motivation was completely zapped and I spent the entire day guiltily playing Tomodachi Life. I told myself that I would make up for it on Tuesday.

Yesterday

Sure enough, I did. I woke up and decided to try something different. Last week after crying at the psychiatrist's office, he told me I could double my SNRI dosage, as long as I didn't feel too shaky. Considering how sluggish I felt yesterday, I figured I could use all the help I could get. I felt a bit wired, but not shaky. I will just do this once a week as needed.

Normally we don't leave the house until the late afternoon. I suggested to Daniel the night before that we should have breakfast at Joe and the Juice. I thought we'd get there around 10, but we arrived an hour later. We're simply not morning people. I also told myself not to play Tomodachi Life until I accomplished all of my to-dos.

When we got home, I made a coffee and got to work on my German presentation about a popular dish from my home country. I chose chicken pot pie. A full presentation isn't necessary, but I present better when I have the structure of a presentation to help me. I'm not confident enough to ad-lib my way in German.

I heated up ravioli for lunch and started a rewatch a of season 1 of Bridgerton. I finished the first book, "The Duke and I," on Monday. The show definitely improved the storytelling, but yeah Daphne and Simon are my least favorite couple. I plan on ordering the second book and will make a pattern of reading and then watching the corresponding season.

After lunch, I filed my taxes. We are behind, thanks to me. Normally, Daniel files taxes for both of us, but this year he said he wanted me to start learning to do my part on my own. Fair. We use a service, so it took around 20 minutes to complete.

I was going to wait until Wednesday to research my "freelance plan" for my meeting tomorrow with RAV, but I had a nagging feeling to do it right then and there. When it comes to difficult admin tasks, this is when Euria is helpful. I described my situation and turns out I had to ACT NOW, so I emailed my counselor asking whether it was possible to pursue the temporary freelance model with financial support. Euria also suggested I created a business plan, so I was styling it in Affinity before I had to leave for class.

German class has become a respite. For 1 hour and 30 minutes, I'm not worrying about my life. I'm just focusing on trying to understand the teacher and my peers. My presentation was well-received, and I was the only person who created one. Everyone else just searched for the image of the their dish on the teacher's computer and talked about it. I quite enjoy making presentations, so I don't mind the extra work. And like I said, if I were to do what my classmates did, I would've been sputtering.

I called Daniel while walking home to wash the tiny pot we have so I can boil dumplings. Then, as I waited at the crosswalk, I checked my phone and discovered a message from my counselor. Turns out it's too late for me to pursue the freelance path, and the only option he sees for me is to start my own business. Well, fuck. We will discuss this tomorrow.

I came home feeling very tired and dejected. We ate our dumplings while watching an episode of Pokémon Horizons. Later, I suggest we watch Markiplier's White Knuckle playthrough from the start, but I fell asleep halfway through. I had wanted to blog and play Tomodachi Life, but instead, got ready for bed and fell asleep around 23:30! Amazing.

Today

As mentioned, I took my normal dosage of antidepressants. I played Tomodachi Life for about an hour while eating breakfast. Then Daniel and I went for a walk. A new café opened down the street and we had a quick look inside. They didn't do takeaway coffee, but I noted that it seemed like a chill place to work. I know I can just make coffee at home, but these days I find it hard to spend all day at my desk. (Even though I've been seemingly successful for two days in a row).

We stopped by the nearby museums, first to inquire about work, and second to peruse the gift shop. I enjoy consuming things with my eyes. I flipped through some books and pointed out things I found interesting.

The museum attendant suggested we look at the city's website for jobs, which I will do today. Daniel said we should be applying to 30 jobs a month, not 10. 10 is the minimum you need per month to get your monthly unemployment stipend. Now that my life is on the line, I should be applying to any and every job.

We stopped by the grocery store for some things. As we walked home, I told Daniel that, while I'm not magically happy, I noticed that, since the increase of my SNRI, I don't live in my anxiety anymore. Any time I get an anxious thought, another thought pops and says, "Well, you just gotta do it. You gotta push through. You need to find a job, you need to do what you can. That's all there is to it."

I still feel anxious, but the anxiety feels numbed, like it's in the background rather than front and center. And I feel more keen to continue with my tasks, like I am today.

Today's goals:

I think I will blog every other day, and clean the apartment on the other day. I feel like I can't do both, because I have lots do and limited energy.

Previous | Next

#2026 #blog