PROCRASTINATING
Another brain dump.
I'm supposed to be working on my portfolio site right now, but I thought I'd write a (hopefully short and quick) post instead as a way to delay it a little further. I normally do my little reviews/life updates on my Sunday journal entries, but I wonder if people read them since they are hidden and also in German. So here's a life update in English.
German is back on the menu
BREAKING NEWS: I am officially signed into the B2 German Conversation and Grammar course! I didn't know about it until this year, but Switzerland gives everyone two CHF 500 vouchers for vocational education per year. You can find and book courses through their website: einfach-besser.ch. They're basic courses and probably mostly for immigrants to integrate faster into Swiss society. But yeah, wow! 9 years of living here and I just found out.
The courses are on Tuesday and Thursday evenings until June. A lot of my former classmates are enrolled too, so it'll be nice to see some familiar faces and work on my speaking skills, since I haven't practiced at all since the exam. I am prone to disarray (mentally and physically) when I don't have set appointments in my routine. So this will help!
Warm hugs
Since my last few depressing posts, I've received some supportive emails (which I still need to reply to)! Thank you for that, dear readers. Each message felt like a warm hug. The kindness of digital strangers, indeed.
A lot of my friends don't know what I'm going through because we're far away from each other and keep contact through social media—which I've been horrible at—ever since I joined Bear Blog. But it also feels burdensome to confide in a busy friend about my trials and tribulations, and since my blog is currently the only medium in which I can dump my innermost thoughts (I stopped daily journaling), the void is now privy to my woes. So it's nice when you vomit words into the proverbial black hole and every once in a while, something comes fluttering back out, offering words of encouragement.
It is a reminder that, even though I might be shy to contact strangers, I should keep the kindness train going, because BOY, do we all need it! So if you're reading this, this is your sign to email a stranger and tell them that you think they're cool.
Brainstorming my life
Last week during my meltdown, I thought a lot about where I am in life. Perhaps this is (another) sign from the universe that a job isn't in the cards for me right now. And maybe this isn't the worst thing, but an opportunity for something better. Or different.
I've only been searching for jobs in Switzerland. I don't even apply remotely within Europe, because the salary is way lower and it would be difficult for me to pay my bills. But what if I were to move elsewhere? I know a lot of people who moved to the Netherlands because it's easier to immigrate to. BUT—and it's a big ol' but—I don't want to move. I wanted to live in Switzerland forever! Until the day I die! That was the plan!
I used to think that I was open to change, because I've upended my life at least twice now and moved to countries where I knew nobody, but I had done that out of desperation—I needed to leave. I needed a better life for myself. Because if I was content with my current situation, I wouldn't have moved at all. So I am only open to change when I need it, when no other option will suffice.
And that's the problem. I love living here, and I've invested so much to stay here. In fact, getting the Swiss passport is one of my goals! Which is why moving to another country doesn't feel like an option for me, but I had to entertain the idea to make sure.
But what if it's not a permanent move? What if it's temporary? I haven't really written in detail about this before on the blog: One of my life goals is to research my family's history in Taiwan and make a documentary* about it. I thought I would visit Taiwan once in a while on vacation, do research here and there, and slowly put it together. My life's work, if you will.
* Or maybe a book, because I really love writing more than filming these days. Or both!
However, what if there was a way to do it now? It's not like I'm BUSY with anything at the moment. It's not like I have a job keeping me grounded. Soon, I will no longer be on RAV so I won't have to adhere to their rules. BUT—and it's a big ol' but—money. I still have monthly loans to pay. I haven't even calculated how much my savings will last me.
But what if?
WHAT IF?
I told Han about it today during our language exchange. I had wanted to keep it from her because I was afraid that by telling her, it would suddenly become a viable option. We ended up talking about it, and sure enough, she sent me the website of an artists' residency in Taipei.
So, aside from working on my portfolio this week—which I must do—I'm going to look into this.
Sometimes, the things that one fears the most, the things that make your heart race and palms sweat but in a good way—these are the things we must do, because on the other side of it is the thing that you want the most.
The bigger the fear, the bigger the desire.
(At least that's what I think.)
Anyway, I'm no longer the impulsive person I once was and won't rush into something without considering the practicalities first. The main thing that's holding me back right now, realistically, is moolah. So I need to crunch some numbers and then we'll see if this idea is even a possible, or simply another daydream.