MEH.
My first word vomit post on here, I guess.
I struggled to wake up this morning. I struggled to fall asleep last night, even though I got into bed just shy of midnight. Upon getting out of bed, I dragged my body into the kitchen to have my usual breakfast of cereal and milk. My body felt heavy and my digestion's been off. They say that gut health has a direct effect on mental health, so maybe that's it.
I skipped my meds yesterday. I tend to forget on the weekends because I forgo my morning routines. Lately, if I skip my meds, I'll be rewarded with a sharp headache for the majority of the day. There was no headache today, only the dull ache of being alive and wanting to cry about something.
Later, I found out that my classes had started today and not on Wednesday like the email said. So that made me feel more shitty. I'm pretty good at my attendance and have never skipped a class until today. I wrote, "Oopsies," in the group WhatsApp chat because I didn't know what else to say. I mean, I could have said nothing too, but my snark got the best of me.
I spent the rest of the morning getting ready and cataloguing my books, which I'd been itching to do. I just love doing meaningless, repetitive tasks that benefit nobody else but myself. Maybe it's a way to fool myself into thinking that I'm being productive when I'm just procrastinating the actual tasks at hand. (Yeah, that's probably it.)
I had a doctor's appointment today. I asked for a blood test, which the doctor agreed with because coincidentally she wanted to check how my body was doing now that I've been on my antidepressants for a couple of years now. She asked me what I wanted to check, and I said everything, including why I'm losing hair. (Even though I know why; probably a combo of stress and genetics.) But now she will refer me to a specialist so that's nice.
The nurse took my blood pressure and cautioned that it was a bit high. "Are you stressed?" she asked in German.
"Maybe? Well, I don't feel so good today," I replied in my broken Deutsch. We switched to English shortly after. I got an EKG as well, and was allowed to leave once the doctor determined that all was in order. I'll have a follow-up call on Wednesday about my blood test results.
As I walked there and back, I had composed many variations of a blog post. I wanted to talk about my mental health or my health general, but now I'm good.
I feel a lot better. I just need to puke up my thoughts.