I'M TRYING
A brain dump/rant about my current status I guess.
Yesterday felt shitty, but we managed to go outside, get some sun, and eat ice cream. Then I came home and didn't do anything, which made me feel bad. My sister called me later and we talked for about an hour. She just got back from a second interview, and I'm rooting for her! I was cheering her on, but I also admitted that the positive affirmations I tell others no longer feel relatable to me.
It's been almost 2 years since I lost my job.
I had one only interview the entire time, even though I applied to 10 jobs per month. The last interview I had wasn't official, as I knew the hiring person and sent them a message on WhatsApp.
I suspect it's my CV. It was overly-designed and difficult to scan. I actually went to a job coach though and this was the result. The coach also liked my website. So did the hiring person, but in the end, I wasn't hired anyway.
They told me they loved it. Don't change a thing. I do get praises from other people. But I've only received rejections, which makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It's attacking my confidence and I'm doubting myself.
So when I motivate others, the messages just feel like distant echos. I truly believe it for them, but not for me.
Today, I woke up to feed Boba, had breakfast, and went back to bed. I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want to face reality. So I slept until 3 PM. When I tried to wake up, it felt like someone had taped my eyes shut. It was a struggle to open them. Meanwhile, my head was throbbing. I think I slept too much and didn't drink enough water.
Daniel came in to check on me from time to time. He brought me my meds and water. I asked him if he could buy me a cupcake if I apply to one job.
"If you apply to one job and work on your website, I'll buy you a cupcake," he said.
I laid in bed for a bit. I thought about the stressful dreams I had of being left behind by my family and being scoffed at by former co-workers. And then I suddenly remembered that I'm a bard.
"Who cheers up the bard?" I thought.
Probably another bard. This scene of Chris Pine as Edgin Darvis from the latest Dungeons & Dragons movie popped into my mind:
I got out of bed and announced to Daniel that I would apply for a job and then watch the movie.
The job I applied for ended up being quite tedious and resulted in me updating my website a little bit, so Daniel's buying a cupcake for me right now.
I watched the movie. When I first watched it, I gave it 3 stars. But I gave it 4.5 this time, probably because I'm sad right now and it cheered me up. It also reminds me of playing D&D with my friends.
I've been getting bad thoughts lately (of the suicidal kind), and I cry every day, but sometimes it's from watching a sad thing, and not just from feeling overwhelmed.
Everyday feels like an emotional rollercoaster, a shitty one where I can't get off.
I also don't feel like socializing right now. I'm really glad I have a weekend to myself. It would be one thing to meet up with close friends, but lately I'm meeting up with colleagues and acquaintances, and I don't feel close enough to be my true self. If I don't know someone, the last thing I want is to burden them with my feelings, so I'll default to acting very happy and positive. And that's fucking exhausting.
Sometimes you gotta just let yourself unravel and be. At least that's what I'm telling myself now, because I don't know how else to cope. I do have good friends checking in on me and helping me out with my CV and stuff. I'm thankful I'm not alone.
Anyway, I'm trying, even if it feels like it's just a small thing. I'm trying to drown out the judgmental voices that tell me I should be doing more, that I shouldn't be moping because others have it worse and I'm just lazy.
Of all the societies human beings could have chosen, the people up top decided that tying your self-worth to work is the way to go, that we should compete with each other for breadcrumbs, when we could be living like hobbits—tending to our gardens, eating 7 meals a day, singing songs and being merry, etc.
I'm gonna find another comfort movie/show to watch now. I started Bridgerton (season 4) but Daniel came home with my cupcake so I'm back in bed while he plays Samurai Gunn 2.
