HOW I'M MANAGING MY TASKS RIGHT NOW
Motivating myself to get shit done.
If you've been following me on an RSS feed, you might've been annoyed/delighted/amused by the volume and frequency of my NOTES over this past week. To that, I can only say, "Sorry not sorry."
The sorry part: I felt embarrassed because I wasn't aware that that was happening. I only follow a few people on Feedly who don't post frequently, so I haven't been on the receiving end of that. Thus, that thought never even crossed my mind.
The not-sorry part: This is my blog, which is pretty much a visualization of my mind palace, aka Peigelandā¢, complete with the highs and the lows. To misquote the late Norma Jeane Baker,
If you can't handle me during my hourly status updates fuelled by external validation, then you don't deserve my happy-go-lucky blog posts.
I'm only kidding, of course!
Thanks to feedback, I now understand how to make specific feeds. Plus, I never intended my notes and my Sunday weeklies to be discoverable to begin with. So now, you can subscribe to the blog feed only. Everything is as it should be. ŹĀÆį“„ĀÆŹ
Back to what I mentioned earlier: External validation.
I've been trained since childhood that anything which requires my immediate attention is only at the behest of someone else. Some examples: We only cleaned the house when people were coming over. Hygiene didn't really matter unless we were meeting others; only then did we have to look presentable and clean. It's no wonder that my sister and I are still learning how to do basic things as adults pushing 40. It's embarrassing and something I rarely talk aboutāeven with friendsābecause I don't want people to know how gross I can be.
Of course I would like to unlearn this and understand that doing it for myself is enough, that I'm worth taking care of, as is! But easier said than done, especially if this has been my habit for the last 38 years. I remember my personal trainer giving us a pep talk about goal setting and said something like,
"You know, when you get out of bed first thing in the morning and automatically go brush your teeth?"
And I remember thinking, damn, people do that automatically? You don't have to plead and bargain with yourself to go brush your teeth or simply just forget about it?
Learning what works for me
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, is how the saying goes. So rather than fight my brain and do what I think I should be doingālearn to love myself, which, if you've never done that, like, what does that even meanāI decided to lean into my natural tendencies.
Back when I was on Instagram all the time, my algorithm showed me a lot of content on ADHD, autism, neurodivergency, etc. I related to a lot of the tips and tricks that people were sharing on how to get things done. This is where the whole, maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all, I'm just built different mentality started to sink in. I began to gravitate towards more like-minded people, which helped quiet the constant nagging that there was something inherently wrong with me.
At the start of January, one of my friends created an accountability group on Whatsapp to help keep us on track with our tasks. The idea was to motivate each other and keep ourselves accountable on what we set out to do for the day.
It worked for a while, until I noticed that I posted in the chat a lot more than everyone else. I started to feel self-consciousāAm I too much?āeven though my friend said that that's what the group was for. However, most of my messages were read without any reaction, and that added to my anxiety. I felt like I was being ignored and found myself posting less and less to match the tempo of others in the group.
Shouting into "the void"
Two weeks ago, I started making status updates on my blog to hold myself accountable on days when I needed to get a bunch of stuff done. It was very helpful and motivating. Like I said, my notes weren't meant to be discoverable. There's also no way for readers to react to them, which made it feel like I was announcing my progress to everyone and no oneāthe infamous void. I got my external validation without any expected feedback.
With the group chat, no feedback felt like I was being ignored, because it's a chat. You're supposed to like, respond to each other.ā But since I didn't expect a response when posting my progress on NOTES, I no longer harbored those anxious feelings.
ā The thing is, I know it's healthy not to respond to people all the time (I do it too), but tell that to my FEELINGS! I'm really sensitive to social interactions and I wish I weren't.
So I went ham.
But that wasn't the only thing that helped keep me on top of my tasks.
Gamification
Remember On-Together? I was playing it on and off, and noticed that I was more willing to sit down at my desk and focus on a task when I watched my avatar self do the same thing. When I first started playing, I only made a room for Daniel and myself because I was too intimidated to join a group of strangers. But eventually, Daniel lost interest and didn't go on as much.ā” Being alone on my own island got boring, so I finally decided to be brave and join a group with lots of users.
ā” I act like he's abandoned me completely but he's always sitting next to me IRL, lol.
That was a game changer. Seeing a bunch of people huddled together in an area working silently instantly puts me into focus mode.Ā§ I found myself wanting to sign on every day.
Ā§ [whispers] "external validation"
I like rules
I like structure. I like routine. Despite this, It's not innate for me to plan ahead. I need to force myself. And if there's no external pressure such as a deadline, I won't do it. I become a blob and melt into the couch and then stress the fuck out because I have a billion things to do but didn't make a plan to do it.
Due to scheduling conflicts, I haven't been meeting with my therapist as regularly. This past Sunday, I told him how stressed out I was about not having a job, my upcoming German exam, etc. So he asked me, "How do you plan to achieve your goals this week?"
Because he asked me to do something, I suddenly straightened up and felt the need to give him a detailed report for fear of disappointing him.Ā¶ Right after that, I finished my Sunday journal entry complete with a time table of my week. Since I've been stressing tf out, I knew I had to bring out the big guns: 1) Status updates via NOTES and 2) On-Together gameplay, but with rules:
- If I want to change Avatar Peige into a cool outfit, IRL Peige needs to do that first. Meaning, I need to brush my teeth, wash my face, and change out of my PJs.
- Whatever Avatar Peige does in the game, I do in real life. Obviously, it's more fun to do this in the game, so I'll play first. But right after that, I have to "do" what Avatar Peige does.
Ā¶ I know I can't disappoint my therapist, but again, tell that to my brain.
It feels really silly to type out my rules, but it's been working! Unless I get kicked out of a room, Avatar Peige is doing stuff in the game, including when I take a break IRL. (When we went out for a walk yesterday, Avatar Peige was circling the island in a swan boat.) When I sign out of the game, that means I'm ready for bed. I've mentally created areas and actions in the game to match what I need to do in the real world. I have turned myself into a playable character. I am controlling my avatar, who's also controlling me. This is how I get shit done.
Avatar Peige having breakfast. Still in PJs.
A reward for doing my morning routine in the morning: I get to pick out a cute outfit for Avatar Peige! Also, Daniel joined because I still ask him to play with me.
I'm not the type of person to shy away from asking for help, but I also feel like I burden others if I am "too much." It's something I should probably reflect on, but I also don't have time for that. I still need to get shit done while working on myself. And so far, this is working!
One last thing
In Peigelandā¢, I can never be too much. This is the last place where I want to feel like I am a burden to others. But at the same time, this is also a public space, and I understand that there is an audience out there. Otherwise I should just create a private blog, right? Therefore, I want to be a good ambassador to Peigelandā¢ and I hope you can enjoy your stay. There might be a culture shock here or there, though. Ź Źā¢į“„ā¢ŹŹ