FRUSTRATED
Everything feels uncomfortable right now.
Note: I wrote a huge, currently unfinished post about my gut issues, and ended up drafting it because I really just wanted to write about the last two days.
As mentioned (briefly) in my previous post, I made poor eating choices at Sunday's dinner party, mostly out of nerves:
- Buying a fizzy maté because I was in need of caffeine (and then chugging the rest of it before I left because I didn't want to waste it)
- Eating way too much pasta because I was nervous about socializing and wanted to "busy" myself with something
I came home feeling bloated and hoped the feeling would resolve itself after a good night's sleep. In fact, I went to bed before midnight, which is early for me.
That didn't help, and I continued to make poor decisions yesterday.
I woke up and immediately started tinkering and writing on the blog, so I didn't eat "breakfast" until after 12. I also failed to go grocery shopping, so the only things available were from the freezer. I ended up steaming 5 custard buns, which was nice at first. However, it seems there is a severe delay between when my stomach tells my brain that I'm full. So I steamed and ate 5 more custard buns.
By the time I was eating the 7th bun, I started to feel sickly full. BUT I KEPT GOING, because I simply cannot "waste" food, or even let it just sit there and eat it later. If it's next to me, I will eat it.
So I did that, and suddenly, sitting in front of the computer made me nauseous. Thus, I laid on the couch for a nap. I woke up 3 hours laters feeling hungry and thinking that since I had already fucked up my eating times, this would be "linner," a lunch-dinner combo.
By then, the chive pancakes had completely defrosted. I had wanted to eat that for brunch, and had even heated up lard in the pan. But I couldn't fry it then, so I just left the pan there for the rest of the day. I mention this, because I'm now wondering if it poisoned myself, but it's just lard? Apparently, it can last for days out and not spoil.
Anyway, I fried them and ate them all in one sitting. It's 6 pieces, which doesn't seem like a lot. But it's just chives and rice flour, or whatever. (Apparently it's gluten free and I didn't read the ingredients). However, it felt like it expanded in my stomach and I felt sick again. So I retreated to the bed and stayed up until 3AM watching Bridgerton cast interviews and Resident Evil Leon/Ada compilation videos.
Now
I woke up at 11 today feeling hopeful. I've decided to default to a low FODMAP week, which is my go-to solution when my digestion isn't functioning properly. I made a cup of vegetable bouillon soup with pinches of turmeric, ginger, and asafoetida. I feel sickly full again and just uncomfortable in general. I'm going to make a pot of congee for lunch and dinner.
I also need to call my dermatologist because a mole on my head suddenly grew to be like 2mm high. I've had this since I was a child, so that feels kind of scary.
I was hoping to be productive today but all I want to do is lay down again. I have my first conversation class tonight, and I don't want to miss the first day.
Anyway, I wrote all of that down because I am frustrated at myself for repeating the same mistakes and not being proactive about my meals. I want to be more responsible but I don't like cooking and default to cheap, ready-made meals. Sometimes I wish I could just get a brand new brain. Or at least upgrade certain parts.