CRYING IN GERMAN CLASS
Content warning: Panic/anxiety attacks. Also, some cursing.
I had a feeling this would happen. My anxiety started festering since last Friday, after our teacher announced that we'd be doing a mock oral exam in front of the whole class. I already struggle with speaking, and the theme of the exam is having a discussion, in which one must read an article (with pretty advanced vocab) on a topical issue, state their opinion, and discuss with their speaking partner.
Since the prompts are random, you can't really prepare for the content of the test. What you can do is memorize phrases like:
- "In my opinion..."
- "This articles states..."
- "I do not agree with you."
Which all sounds well and easy in English, but this is German, where the verb position moves depending on the sentence structure.
So one could say:
"Meiner Meinung ist, dass Tiere im Zirkus schlecht sind."
Or:
"Meiner Meinung nach sind Tiere im Zirkus schlecht."
Both translate to, "My opinion is, that animals in the circus are bad."
Forming B2-level sentences, you know, with clauses and whatnot, where we have to add connectors while knowing where to position the verb is like a fucking Rubik's cube to me at this point.
When things get stressful, I push them to the side.
I could have studied all of Saturday, but I chose to have a regular ol' day instead. The weather was nice, so we walked to the station and I got my new lenses fitted. I still had another day.
On Sunday, I woke up and started my weekly Sunday journal in German. Daniel told me to use Deepl AI to help correct my sentences, so he'd have less work to do. We ended up getting into an argument over this, where I ended up on the couch with a blanket over my head and eventually took a nap. (When things get unpleasant, I sleep.)
I woke up at 17:00, which now only gave me 2 hours before my D&D session to study and have dinner. I did my homework, took some notes, and found some practice tests I could review. I tried to state my opinions but probably sounded like a 5-year-old. The website included recordings of example discussions. When I played them, Daniel said, "Surely they don't expect you to sound like that?" (Because they sounded very advance.)
This is when I began to panic. I tried to memorize the helping phrases and nothing stuck; they just slid right off my stupid, squishy brain. It was nearing 8PM, so I had to cast my studying aside to DM. I always type up what occurred during our D&D sessions, so by the time I was done, it was time for bed.
Morning
I didn't sleep well. I don't know if it was the nerves or what, but I woke up in the middle of the night due to pain in my intestines. Then I woke up multiple times because I was drenched in sweat. I took a shower this morning and recited words and phrases in my head, which all sounded alright.
Then, as I got ready for class, I decided to review some of these key phrases aloud. Daniel was awake, so I practiced a bit with him, but I kept making mistakes. That's when I started crying.
I couldn't stop. Everything made me sad. I began to worry, because I knew at this point, the chances of me crying in class were very high. If this was 20 years ago, I would have skipped class altogether.*
*I used to do that. When my social anxiety got really bad, I would just skip my classes in college and commiserate with a fellow social-anxiety-haver classmate.
But I'm a lot braver now, so skipping wasn't a possibility. (Plus, what would I tell my unemployment counselor? I didn't go to class because I was afraid of the test we're supposed to take?) There's only one more day left, so there's no point skipping now.
Crying in class
We were divided into groups of 2-3 and each given different prompts. Normally you'd have 5 minutes to read the article, make notes, and mentally prepare, but our teacher gave us 10 minutes since it was a Monday. But at this point, it didn't really matter, because as I read, panicky thoughts would just infiltrate my mind and I would blank out.
My speaking partner and I went first, because we were first in the round. I let him start, thinking it was a good idea. It was not a good idea. I didn't know what he was saying. I didn't know what I was saying. I looked at my notes and I'm not even sure if I saw them. There were moments where I was just staring at his face and saw flashes of white.
When we were done, the teacher gave us the usual, "I didn't hear a single helping phrase," "The verb positions were... eh." It wasn't the feedback that was getting me. It was the frustration. "It's clear you haven't prepared... there was no structure." But I did, I did prepare. Not enough obviously, BUT I FUCKING DID!
The next group went, but I wasn't really listening. I was telling myself to not to cry. The more I told myself, the more the tears started coming out. I can just pretend that I have something in my eye, I thought. But soon I couldn't stop wiping my eyes, and then the snot started to run.
I jumped up and ran out of the classroom. The tears were now streaming down my face and I was making crying noises as I ran up the stairs to the bathroom. Luckily, nobody saw, but if they did, I probably wouldn't have cared anyway.
I locked myself inside one of the stalls. These aren't American stalls but European ones, so they're basically tiny, sealed rooms with a toilet inside. I was safe. I started crying and hyperventilating. That's when it hit me. This is worse than I thought. I'm having a panic attack. I tried to control my breathing, tried to employ whatever technique I learned in therapy. Eventually I just squatted down and leaned against the tiled green bathroom wall. When I'm not in the right state of my mind, I don't care about hygiene.
After a few minutes I calmed down and walked out. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and glassy. I rubbed them, but no matter what, I couldn't erase the fact that I'd been crying. Whatever. I went back to class.
The last group was now discussing. I didn't even hear them because the tears. would not. STOP. They weren't streaming down but I had to bring out tissues and I couldn't stop sniffling. I even saw a snot bubble form from the corner of my eye. -_-
The room felt tense. I'm not sure if people noticed. They must have. The teacher lectured on, but his voice was softer. I wasn't listening. I was shaking my leg, scribbling down notes, hunched over my iPad. "Break time," he announced, and opened the door. I ran back out to the bathroom, locked myself in the stall, and cried for a second time.
When I came out, one of my classmates was leaning over the sink, poking at her face in front of the mirror. "I'm going to leave early," she said in German. She had been sick and people had been telling her to go home. She says some more things. I didn't understand. "Was?" I asked.
"Tomorrow's our last day. Will you bring a gift for the teacher?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe something small."
I had mentioned my contact lens appointment earlier in class, during our "What did you do over the weekend" talk.
She looked me in the eyes. "Are those your new lenses?" She said, smiling warmly. "How do I look. Can you see me clearly?" We had a laugh. "It's just a joke," she said and tapped my shoulder gently. "See you tomorrow."
I wondered if she knew. She must've known, but maybe she wanted to also pretend like nothing was wrong. Everyone comes from a different background in the class, so I don't know how people react to these things. If we had been in the US, maybe she would have asked if everything was ok and we would have talked about it. I didn't dislike this treatment though, because I don't like crying in public. I don't like to be put on the spot for things like this.
I went back to class feeling a bit better. But the leaking of tears and snot never stopped, and I just accepted it. Nobody mentioned it but I could still feel that the things felt a bit on edge.
After class I rushed right out and took the stairs down so I didn't have to talk to my classmates in the elevator. I sped-walked to the station. What would have normally taken me 10 minutes only took me 5.
I sat on a bench and thought about what happened, my eyes and sinuses cleared. A part of me wanted to apologize to the class and my teacher. But for what? For not being able to stuff my emotions down into my subconscious like a normal, functioning adult? To explain that I'm crying because I have social anxiety and I'm frustrated with myself and this language, not because I can't handle constructive feedback?
Luckily, our topic tomorrow is planning an event with your speaking partner. I'm not even nervous about this one, because it can't possibly go down as horribly as it did today, and even if it did, it's my last day, so I'll just walk out of class or something, I don't fucking know.
Signed,
An adult crybaby