AN INTERVENTION FOR... MYSELF.
I put Instagram in time out.
Taking a break from posting about my social media accounts because itās not what Iām feeling at the moment. What I am feeling is a sense of dissatisfaction about myself, where Iām at in life, the world, etc.
I went on a two-week trip to Bali over a week ago. Whenever I travel, I donāt go on Instagram too much. I probably check it for 10 minutes as soon as I wake up and then 30 minutes before bed. I do post stories on Fecking Hangry during meal times, but Iām pretty much safe from doomscrolling.
Coming from back from a holiday triggers a post-vacation depression, probably for a lot of people. That illusion of palace life is gone and you are back on your knees, sweeping the cinders from the fireplace.
I need a fairy godmother to pat my head and tell me everything will be gwenchana.
It didnāt help that I caught the infamous āBali belly,ā a bacterial infection of the gut that lasted for two whole weeks! Not only was I restricted to bland foods, I would go into a rage whenever I thought about the limited and expensive options in Switzerland compared to the countless vendors in Bali that sold bubur ayam at the touch of a button.
I spent most of my time in bed either sleeping or scrolling. The dissatisfaction festered but I was too tired to do anything about it.
Last Thursday was when I finally saw improvement. My appetite grew and I could stomach things I normally ate. I could even drink coffee again! My mood also began to lift. I wanted to walk around town, window shop, visit cafƩs and feel like the main character.
Did not mean for this post to turn into Disney but the analogies are working for me.
In my woo-woo era
My friend, Ami, who was the reason we visited Bali, gave us a Tarot reading one evening during the trip. I used to be a skeptic on all things of this nature, but after Spyderās death I became more open to it. Our readings made a lasting impression on us, especially mine. To summarize, I am juggling many ideas on what I want to do, but Iām feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and lost. In the end, I should allow myself to rest and trust my instincts.
My reading. Not pictured, but I asked a follow-up question about how to rest. Ami pulled the āJusticeā card, and as a Libra, that meant something to me.
On Saturday, I paid my annual visit to my local witch store to buy frankincense. While there, Daniel pointed out a shelf full of Tarot cards of varying themes, including an Agatha All Along deck. We giggled at all the decks, until Daniel picked up Queer Tarot and said, āThis is very you.ā
The idea of buying a deck for myself and doing my own reading just felt so silly to me. But then I thought, why not? Despite feeling skeptical, I also believe that when the opportunity towards the occult calls upon you, perhaps itās time to follow. I didnāt choose the occult life, it chose me! It all happened on the night of Spyderās death, which deserves its own post.
So I ended up buying two things that day, a package of frankincense and my very first Tarot deck.
This image is from Ash and Chessās website. They have a lot of cool things so itās worth checking out!
I opened the guidebook and to my surprise, the lining of the book was the exact pattern of a dress I own! So it felt even more meant to be.
What a delightful surprise, right?!
Right when I got home, I started googling the history of Tarot. I wanted to know if there was any cultural significance that could deepen my connection with this practice. The closest I could find was that the first ever deck of playing cards was developed in Bern, Switzerland. Tarot didnāt have a great impact in Asia, but right now a lot of Asian-Americans are designing and illustrating decks for the culture.
But most importantly, I learned that Tarot readings arenāt fortune telling or an insight into the futureāitās about introspection and deepening oneās connection to yourself.
I like that. That puts the skeptic in me at ease. Fortune tellers are just scammers who are highly skilled at reading people. And I never liked the idea of āknowingā my future. As someone who was forced to see a fortune teller when I was 18, there were some things in my life that I avoided or gravitated towards because of my reading, even when I didnāt want to believe it.
So, I approached the Tarot reading as a prompt for introspection. With the guidebook in tow, I gave two readings that night: First for Daniel and then for myself.
I already forgot what question I asked, but I remember the outcome! Because I journaled about it right after. I felt stagnant and dissatisfied because I am derived of things that bring me joy. I did notice over these past weeks that the only things I do besides watch Kdramas was play two games on my iPad and doomscroll on Instagram. While I enjoy playing the games, they donāt exactly make me happy. They just distract me. And while I enjoy the shows Iām watching, they also feel more like a distraction rather than something meaningful.
I made myself a list of things that I enjoyed doing when I was a kid, because back when we were kids, we didnāt think about doing things to fulfill some sort of life goal. We did things because we wanted to. Because it made us feel good.
Things I liked to do as a kid:
- Read books
- Make calendars
- Have a clean room
- Make mixtapes on cassettes
- Do crafts
- Draw people/celebrities
- Dress up other people (i.e., pick out peoplesā outfits)
- Sing karaoke
And thatās when I saw the common denominator:
NO SMARTPHONE. NO SOCIAL MEDIA.
That made so much sense. I still remember sitting at my desk, spending hours braiding a friendship bracelet or patiently waiting for my favorite song to come on the radio and carefully pressing the record button at the right time.
Now, I use all those precious hours to scroll my Explore Page and chuckle at memes and cat videos, or ogle at Japanese and Korean celebrities.
Donāt get me wrong, Iām in the camp that social media has its benefits. Thatās how I stay connected with friends, family, and keep up to date with whatās going on in the world because that is important!! But, letās face it, I spend merely a fraction of my time on Instagram doing the good things, and spend the majority draining my brain and wasting time.
So, all that to say that last night, I finally put a one hour cap on Instagram! Iāve set a timer so that after the hour is up, the app just stops working. Today is the first day Iām trying it. Iām excited to see what I end up doing with all this newfound time that I have. As my therapist said, this week is about trial without judgment. Collecting data, if you will.
This post was a journey for me! I didnāt really know where I was going with it, but Iām thinking that I will share more personal aspects of my life, such as my travels and whatever else.
If you have any questions or ideas of what I can talk about, please comment! Interact! I have more time on my hands now and I start Monday mornings with a creative dump. Thatās something I shouldāve added to my list. I loved writing even as a kid.
How have you been doing these days? How do you get yourself out of the doldrums?