APR >> MAY
Monthly reflection and outlook.
April showered, but mostly from me. ʕ ´•̥̥̥ω•̥̥̥`ʔ
I spent the first two weeks of April in a depression. Thanks to kind words from friends, fellow Bear Bloggers, and therapy, I managed to climb out of the funk and am trying a new perspective. Let's reflect.
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- Feeling supported. I am fortunate that I have a support system even during my darkest moments. I have Daniel and my therapist (I consider them my fail-safe). I am also in regular contact with my sister and our relationship has evolved into a supportive one, so she was also there for me when I needed it. And, thanks to the blog, I received emails from friends and readers. Eventually, I reached out to another close friend and let her know what I was going on. I need to remind myself to reach out, because when I'm depressed, I withdraw. That's why I also pushed myself to write about my depression, because it feels like a diary but I'm also putting my thoughts out there.
- Updating my portfolio. I managed to do it in one weekend too, which was good, because I had expected to spend the rest of April toiling over it.
- Kickstarting my passion project. This is regarding my goal to investigate my family history and eventually make a documentary about it. I've written about this here and there, but haven't properly shared more about it because the site isn't done yet, and I plan on making a separate Bear Blog for this so you'll read more about it eventually. But if you're curious, here's the About page.
- Coding a site from scratch! On that note, I'm really proud that I am coding the Neocities site from scratch, without ANY help from AI! When I first started this Bear Blog, I used ChatGPT to help me get things right. Once I felt like I got a handle on things, I dropped the training wheels and did things the "old-fashioned" way—searching for answers and trying to find the solutions for myself. But that's what I love about these indie websites. They aren't "polished" and standardized; they ooze personality, flaws and all.
- Starting my analog hobbies again. I cast off the scarf I'm knitting for Daniel (at least it'll be ready before this winter), and I started a new book.
- B2 German Conversation & Grammar Course. This class is more easy-going since we no longer have the pressure to take an exam. I'm enjoying it a lot. Our teacher is funny and I'm finally getting the speaking (and listening) practice I need. I probably still sound like a baby during ad-hoc presentations, but I'm speaking more confidently in general.
- Baking April's FOTM cookies. I nearly forgot about it and managed to do so last night at the umpteenth hour. But better late than never, right?
- Fun escapes. Watched Bridgerton season 4 twice and have been preoccupied with Tomodachi Life.
- Muscle relaxation device. My physiotherapist recommended that I buy this device that would help relax my muscles. Apparently you can also grow and tone muscles as well, so I will try that on my arms! But so far, it helps. My shoulders are so tense that a massage gun doesn't really help that much. There's even heat activation! I use it while sitting up in bed and read or simply close my eyes.
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- Depression. Wrote about it here and here.
- Sleep deprivation. I have poor lack of self-control/discipline, so while I was happily coding away on Neocities, my sleep took a hit. I was so sleep deprived one morning that I got dizzy and had to lay down for a nap. Sleep is now a huge priority (I feel like I say that once a week), and I've created some rules on how to manage my hyperfixations moving forward.
- Severe indigestion. I wrote about my frustrations here.
- Urology appointment. Everything is more or less fine, but getting a urology exam was NOT FUN. And I have a follow-up appointment in a few months, yay.
The positives outweigh the negatives again, and I'm happy to report that I'm no longer in a really bad mental state.
Looking forward to...
- Eating cookies. Those cookies I made last night were really good. (Will report later, ofc.)
- Having a nice day today.
I'm getting a haircut and then reading either in the park or library.Then we're going to the cinema to watch Project Hail Mary. - Working on my Neocities site. It's a weekend project now, and I'm dedicating a lot of time tomorrow to work on it.
- Co-working Tuesdays. Last week, Daniel and I met up at Bakery Bakery so I could do my homework before class. It's a nice change, because I'm no longer productive in the apartment (it is very messy). Even though I'm trying to save money, doing this just once a week and not going overboard with purchasing snacks is worth it, I think.
- Using the EMS device. It's more hands-off compared to the massage gun, which I use when I'm in pain and desperate for relief. This feels like me time, where I need to spend 25-30 minutes just being. I'm trying to treat this like a meditation of sorts. Last night I was too sleepy so I decided to skip it, because I felt like I'd just fall asleep, and then it wouldn't really be me-time.
Goals
- Prepare a case to pursue a freelancing. I'm able to extend my unemployment benefits if I can prove that I'm actually freelancing. I hope it's not too late to do this.
- Extend my job search outside of Switzerland. Yesterday, Han asked me why not apply to jobs in the Netherlands? I think I'm afraid to do this because I don't want to move... But there seems to be more opportunities there.
- Figure out a lucrative freelancing plan. This ties into the first goal. I'm finally seeing the benefits of freelancing and how it could allow me more flexibility to pursue my passion project.
- Really plan out the near future. I had some lose plans here and there, but if freelancing falls through with RAV, then my unemployment benefits ends this month and I'm going to have to use my savings, which will dry up quickly because of my stupid student loans. I've been avoiding thinking about this because it fills me with anxiety, but fuck I gotta do it now.
Conclusion
April was scary. I learned a lot about myself this month, that I'm not as open to change as I thought and my fears are really holding me back. I feel like I know the answers and what I need to do next, but I'm simply afraid to take another leap, because I'm tired and I just wanted to chill!
Ever since yesterday (and looking at homes in NL lol), I've been asking myself:
Am I really living my best life, or just a comfortable and familiar one? And the comforts are decreasing steadily.
My psychiatrist told me I need to stop thinking that I need to leave Switzerland (because that was one of my biggest worries), but I had framed it like Switzerland wants to kick me out. However, both Daniel and I are really struggling to find work (and he's a native here), so now I'm wondering is Switzerland even giving us enough opportunities?
There are so many benefits to living here: rent is comparatively low, wages are high, healthcare is expensive but worth it. (And as someone who's in and out of hospitals pretty frequently with a low franchise, it pays off). But without a job, how will I afford any of this? I didn't even mention groceries. Food and public transportation are super expensive here.
Anyway, that will need to be a post in itself. May is probably going to be a challenging month, and the biggest challenge will be facing myself.